When I Am Weak

     I’m SO HAPPY you all joined me on this amazing adventure. Even though I won’t be leaving for a couple more months, I wanted to introduce myself and explain how I got to this point of my life.  I could do the normal introduction of how long I’ve been dancing and what my favorite book is but I’m gonna take a different route.  I’m going to choose one word that best describes me and that word is: weak. You read that right. Weak.  Physically, emotionally, and mentally weak. Now this might sound like an unhealthy and critical view of myself but before you slam your gavel down in judgement (or…I don’t know…give me a hug), let me explain.

            I’ve always struggled with keeping myself healthy. While I’ve always been healthy enough to dance, I’ve very rarely pushed myself past the limit to really excel at dancing. Similarly, I’ve never taken proper steps to keep my thinking in line.  I convince myself that I’m a loser because no one is talking to me or that I’ll never be good enough at anything to be useful to society. Long story short, I take the easy road in life because I’m not strong enough to take the harder road. I’d rather go through life as a physically inept, anxious-ridden pushover than put forth effort to improve. At least, that’s how I used to be.

            So why, you may ask, do you need to know this? I’m glad you asked...

            Often throughout my life I would feel God nudging me towards something.  Deep, deep down I always felt it had something to do with dance but, knowing that pursuing dance would require effort and strength, I would convince myself that God’s call was for something else; something easier. So began the long road of dead ends. School and academics has always been a breeze for me so naturally I pursued a college education. My love of crime shows fooled me into thinking that a career in criminal justice was easy-peasy so forensic investigation here I come! Six years, a mental breakdown, a short stint in a music major, and many, MANY tears later, I finally had a bachelor’s degree in forensic investigation and absolutely no places willing to hire me.  Many police stations and labs were hiring and I applied to them all but a few interviews later and I still was unemployed and living in my parent’s basement. I worked a minimum wage job so I could pay rent and continue paying off my student debt but I was utterly lost. I thought “maybe I don’t need to work forensics, maybe I just need a good, full-time position at a regular job and that’ll give me an easy, fulfilled life.”  NOT! I found a fantastic full time position with great hours, working with amazing people, and doing a job I actually sort of enjoyed (and was good at) and still I felt lost.

I kept pleading with God to show me what He wanted me to do and always I came back to dance.  As much as I love dance I would always argue with God saying, “There’s no way I can do dance as a career. You gave me a body that simply doesn’t belong to a dancer.” That’s right, knowing that pursuing dance would require work and not wanting to do that work, I blamed God for messing up His plan.  But as you all know, God can’t mess plans up. Coincidentally (but actually not), the day I blamed God for messing me up, I read Romans 4:19-21: “Without weakening in his [Abraham’s] faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised.” Who could argue with that?  I was willing to accept that MAYBE I could use dance as a career or a ministry but I wasn’t fully convinced.  After all, I still had an anti-dancer body.  Then I “happened” to turn to 2 Corinthians 7-10: “To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  I was convinced.  I researched Christian dance opportunities and the first thing that popped up was the YWAM Dance Ministry Program. I applied, I auditioned, and I got in.  Easy, right? Sure….

            I began fighting my laziness and putting forth effort to improve my physical as well as mental strength.  I quit my job so I could devote more time to physical fitness and dance technique.  I found resources to build a healthier, Christian mindset and began putting the tactics I learned into practice. The problem is I’m still weak. My body truly isn’t a typical dancer’s body and never will be no matter how hard I train. I still convince myself that I’m worthless when I’m standing in a crowd of people and no one is paying attention to me. I still look at my skills (or lack thereof) and believe that I couldn’t possibly add anything good to the world.  I can’t change all that; but God can.  God has begun showing me (or rather, I’ve begun finally listening to Him) that it isn’t fruitless to build and strengthen an imperfect body because He will still use what I have, such as it is.  I don’t need to feel alone because even if the entire world rejects me, Christ will still run to me and accept me with open arms.  And I could be the dumbest, most worthless person on earth in the world’s eyes, and God can still use me to do GREAT things (1 Cor. 1:26-29).  I was created by God and God doesn’t make worthless things.

            So, yeah, I’m weak. But that’s ok because when I am weak, then I am strong.